Story: The Journey of 'Mediocre Beauty'

We must be familiar with the term mediocre and beautiful as separate adjective. Yet, mediocre and beautiful have quite opposite meaning. Beauty, the noun form, tends to imply something that is visually attractive. While, mediocre stands for something that is ordinary, just acceptable but not good. But, what if there is a certain level of beauty which 'deserved' to be called mediocre? I claim myself that level. Here's my journey on discovering and accepting my 'mediocre beauty'. 

As someone who grown up in the mediocre environment, means not poor nor rich, I was familiar with mediocre term in almost all aspect of life. But, it did hit me hard when I realized that for sure I was not 'classified' as beautiful girl back on my teenage days. Well, just like many Indonesian women, I unconsciously internalized the beauty standard from the society where I lived in. Back then, I remember it was at the end of my primary school, I was looking at my national exam card photo and for the very first time, I thought that I was not attractive, I hated to look at that picture of me. 

Then, in junior high school, I was hating my face in particular even more because puberty hit me with loads of acne all over my face. I was fighting with acne through my junior and senior high school years. As a growing teenager, for sure, I had low self-esteem because of that. I remember I tended to blame my physical unattractiveness every time I had a crush on someone that ended up unrequited. 

Fast forward to my college years. Out of 4,5 years of study, I spent almost 4 years in an organization preserving traditional culture. Grew from a rookie to an alumni. Along the journey, I came into a realization of something called body image thanks to a friend who did a research on that topic. It is a thought, feeling, and perception of our own body. 

As I was one of the dancer in that organization, I participated in many events that in 2019, I was also included in a group who performed one of traditional dance in Thailand. Thank God. Back then when I was an active dancer, aside from the dance itself, I had a concern about how would I look in a traditional costume and its make up. 

Well, only one thing that made me satisfied, the make up. Of course, every women who apply makeup on their face will make them feel and look beautiful. Besides, for the costume, most of the times, I wore the largest size. When I was wearing it, I tended to show only my front body in the mirror, avoid the side part because it made me looks bulky somehow. That was how I perceived my body throughout years as I tried to shift my focus only on the technique and how the dance would be performed well as a group. 

Apart from the performances, I have been observing how the internal members act towards me as a woman and how they would do to the others who met the beauty standard. Certainly, I was not belong to that standard though my problem with acne has long gone and I started using some skincare and basic make up. The reason why I dare to state this is because I was noticing an unwritten custom of how some part of men members, typically the senior one, would 'hit' some gorgeous women in our group, usually the freshman one. 

Unsurprisingly, I was never included in their list which then I was considering myself of the non good looking one. But, FYI, I became good friends with some of them. I only understood later that I was actually lucky to be free from their male gaze. From this experience, I would say it gave me one huge advantage. People value myself based on my skills and traits, not on my physical appearance even now. 

The journey about my 'mediocre beauty' eventually reached its peak when I was participated in a memorable cultural exchange in France back then in July 2019. During one month, I was living with around 18 participants from all around the world whom most of them are women. 

In the spirit of diversity, I experienced something extraordinary from my perspective. People gave pretty compliments easily. Something that was extremely rare for me unless I was wearing a full make up. In addition, once, one of my friend even said that my eyelash was so pretty. Again, something that 22 years old me would never expected. Those are the little ordinary things for most of people, but for me, I teared up in happiness a little bit. It was the very first time since my teenage era a part of my body was being complimented.    

Now, as I'm passing my quarter life, I'm still learning to appreciate every inch of my body and take care of it. I'm also reading a lot of resources regarding this endless concern and how society's beauty standard is ridiculous. In short, I'm moving forward to the positive perspective. 

While the term 'mediocre beauty' rings true to me, it is not arguable that in fact, every women has their own beauty and no one should dictate it.